Sadness fills my heart.

I often have days were I struggle. I have days where all I want to do is cry. Some days I am angry, some days I'm sad, some days I want to ask why...
I can't understand how I can have such an amazing, beautiful, and happy daughter... and my Mom can't be here to enjoy her. My daughter will never meet her Grandmother, and that. Breaks. My. Heart.
I lost my Mama when I was 22 years old. She was 53. She fought an extremely hard battle with breast cancer for five years. Still, I can't figure out why she had to endure so much pain; why she had to be in misery for five years; chemo after chemo, all of the radiation, one surgery after the next, alllll of those horrible procedures... if she was going to lose her life. Lose her battle she fought so hard to win.

Mary, my Mama, was soooo amazing, so selfless. And probably the nicest, kindest, sweetest person I will EVER know. She was my Mom. And she absolutely adored me... her one and only baby girl.
There are so many things I wish I could go back and do over... many things I wish I could apologize for. I hate the amount of regret I live with! I want more time with her. One more hand hold, one more phone call, one more hug, one more kiss, one more girls day together, one more I love you... just to hear her voice... how I miss her sweet voice. She was my best friend.
I never expected I would have to grow up and grow old without my Mother. I always believed she would kick cancer to the curb. It didn't happen. But she fought like hell. She's my hero. And she was the bravest woman I've ever known!
My mom raised me to treat people with respect, to love everyone, not to judge... and to be kind to all things. She was so incredibly nice, she never met a stranger, literally. She sheltered me, spoiled me, babied me... and I'm okay with that. I had a pretty great childhood, and that has a lot to do with her. She made me the woman and mother I am today.

Getting engaged, planning my wedding, getting married, being pregnant, giving birth to Mac, raising Mac... I never thought I would face these things without her. But I did. And I managed. Mostly due to the amazing support from my husband (yeah, he's awesome). It has been extremely hard. It's been almost 3 years...and time does not heal. I do know one thing, having a child has made me open my eyes to the love my mother had for me. I know for a fact the one thing that she wanted was to remain here, with me, to see my life unfold. I can NOT figure out WHY that couldn't happen. I need her here, I need her love, her support, her help... but she's gone. When I make this statement, people ALWAYS say "she's here with you, watching over you" or "she's in your heart." I get that. I know she will always live in my heart, she will always be near, watching over me... but I want her here! In person!!! I wish Mackena had her amazing Granny spoiling her like CRAZY!
I will never stop missing my Mama. I will never go through a single day without thinking of her. I love her so much, and I need her in my life. I need her guidance, still! She's watching over me, I know it, and she's Mackena's guardian angel. I love you, Mama.

"Look up at night and I will tell you, I'm here, beside you, my child. 

With all my love, Your Mom"